END TIMES !!
The fucking comparison game, eh? I’d like to say it’s not jealousy, though that’s probably down to semantics. But truly, I think of jealously as being tinged with a distaste for the party on the other end, and it’s not that. It’s more of sad and stupid, “Woe is me!” Woeeeee the fuck is me, and my life, and my decisions.
Because that’s really the rub, right? Let’s toss out circumstances of birth and upbringing for a minute, as well as large strokes of luck. Beyond those things, all of this is a matter of personal decisions, right? And that’s what makes all of this a true bitch. Because the harder thing to admit is that I’m where I am because of decisions that I’ve made, or not made, which for now we’ll call a moot point because that’s a decision in and of itself. I’ve brought myself here and I’m keeping myself here. Everything else is just excuses, right? The comparison game fucks you up, but when you dive down to the core of your side of thing - well, that fucks you up more.
Because that’s really the rub, right? Let’s toss out circumstances of birth and upbringing for a minute, as well as large strokes of luck. Beyond those things, all of this is a matter of personal decisions, right? And that’s what makes all of this a true bitch. Because the harder thing to admit is that I’m where I am because of decisions that I’ve made, or not made, which for now we’ll call a moot point because that’s a decision in and of itself. I’ve brought myself here and I’m keeping myself here. Everything else is just excuses, right? The comparison game fucks you up, but when you dive down to the core of your side of thing - well, that fucks you up more.
THIS SHIT POST ONLY TOOK ME APPROX 6,000 YEARS TO FINISH; ENJOY !!!
WELL after seeing so many PEOPLE becoming immediate graphic designers via the CANVA app, I had to take a turn meself! Below are three of the pristine final products.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice. We’ve all got problems, right? I don’t think I’ve really yet hit on what I’ve intended to here, if there is real intention in throwing myriad thoughts and emotions into a “post”... But it’s supposed to be capturing the final days of a prolonged state of being, so I can look back on them once a major transition is made. In that sense, it may BEHOOVE me to be a bit more direct rather than conceptual as I so often am when I turn inward...
PROFOUND PERSONAL NARRATIVE™
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HOW ABOUT A TRADITIONAL BLOG POST THEN RIGHT MATE??????? OK
life, as it goes, non-conceptual and non-profound... LIFE HAPPENINGPROFOUND PERSONAL NARRATIVE™
there is something symbolic in the above images that i will leave open to the interpretation of the viewerFIRST COLLECTION: LIFESTYLE
Well, a sight to see, isn’t it? For no one but myself. Three decades of life. Of course, it’s not precisely that, what with the ages of some birth to twelve-ish being partially or maybe entirely subconscious, and then the ages of some twelve-ish to eighteen-ish being so heavily adolescent, and everything that comes with that. And then there is the wild fludity that comes from some eighteen-ish to twenty-two-ish, and even after that, there is a certain different interim plasticity that comes from the age of twenty-two-ish to twenty-five-ish. After that, it’s tempting to say that you begin to settle, but I don’t think it’s that so much as it is quite simply that, the rest of your life, which is really your whole life if you’re lucky enough to stay alive, begins. So it’s a beginning, and while it’s tempting to fall into the available cliches of aging, it is just that - some five years thus far, which we can of course further analyze and subdivide. But in this post and in this time I suppose it’s the one thing really - I’ve been doing “what I’m supposed to”, and now I’m calling it quits. Right. So the passage of quantifiable decades means less than life decisions and events, and more so perhaps, time means much, much less than life. Ah, indeed, how nice. So for the remainder of this entry it will be just that latter thing - some minute capturing of this vast series of movements that we call life. As it goes!
pictured: girlfriend
pictured: friends
pictured: self, cake
CHEERS
Fun with friends never ends!! An evening here, an evening there, a couple drinks or more, a bit of this and that - all generally in attempt to add a bit of zest to life, or at least to drink it in amongst others and not be so goddamn pensive and aloof as I tend to be. Ha ha!
OUT N ABOUT
OUT N ABOUT
in this section we are out n about
The dinner party is quite a new phenomenon for me. Not a family dinner, not a work dinner, not some kind of strange planned event... just, you know, a dinner party. A gathering.
But then again, the dinner date really isn’t old news for me either.
Both involve LEAVING THE CAVE and NOT BEING ALONE.
WOW !! YOU’RE MAKING REAL PROGRESS IN LIFE BUD !!!!
So it’s photos from a Friendsgiving above, the first I’ve been a part of; below, first a hot pot/Korean BBQ spot wit my girl, and then my quite favorite local HAUNT, a fine bar and eatery, thee ole reliable as it were (BAMBOOZLED AGAIN), and then to offset all of this OUTSIDE WORLD ENERGY... pizza in me cave.
But then again, the dinner date really isn’t old news for me either.
Both involve LEAVING THE CAVE and NOT BEING ALONE.
WOW !! YOU’RE MAKING REAL PROGRESS IN LIFE BUD !!!!
So it’s photos from a Friendsgiving above, the first I’ve been a part of; below, first a hot pot/Korean BBQ spot wit my girl, and then my quite favorite local HAUNT, a fine bar and eatery, thee ole reliable as it were (BAMBOOZLED AGAIN), and then to offset all of this OUTSIDE WORLD ENERGY... pizza in me cave.
AND NOW BELOW WE HAVE SOMETHING NEW AND DIFFERENT:
ZELDA, the legend of. My girlfriend‘s and my dog. She is very good and generally deserves a chicken nugget.
ONE LAST NICE PHOTO !!! me and my girl in..... THY LOW LIGHTS
SECOND COLLECTION: LOW LIGHT MISC. SHIT
NOW WE ARE NOT OUT N ABOUT. NO, NO. PICTURED ABOVE is my standard scenery. My beloved cave in which I dwell. The couch and the coffee table, relics from the past transported here to be part of this pinnacle human experience. The miscellaneous objects and the tools for success. Golden Mewtwo card, water bottle lid with dried tattoo ink, external hard drive full of FILES, markers and pens, bluetooth speaker, stray one hitter, paper towel roll, beverage(s), etc. etc. etc.
And thy journal, as above so below...
And thy journal, as above so below...
The journaling will never change, but maybe the chaos will! At least sometimes... in small amounts... perhaps?
How does anyone deal with different versions of themselves, really?
One of the things that I’ll miss most about working in this horrific corporate slog is the ability to buy frivolous bullshit without any serious financial concern. I mean, look - I don’t own a house. I drive an old car. I travel far less than I would like to. So what do I do, besides order burritos to my front door (see Sixth Collection)? Well, every now and then, I get on the internet and I order some bullshit. A few shirts, a Pokemon figurine, some fashionable shoes, some... other shoes...
Some things never change, and that includes my love for the soundtrack from Pokemon Gold & Silver blaring at high volume from a bluetooth speaker at unknown times of the night as I sit and hammer away at what’s in front of me like some kind of cartoonish vampire on an organ in a dark, dark room... life is a screaming circle.
Ok, cool. Idk I just still like Pokemon and shit lol
Ok, cool. Idk I just still like Pokemon and shit lol
Listen, it’s good to wander around your apartment like a Sim left on autopilot, having a snack, having a drink, tidying a thing, making a move, donning a robe, playing some music in between the television programs, nearly going mad but emphatically not, laughing in the mirror, banishing all the fear, staying up too late, enjoying the ambiance and general scenery...
VIBE VIBE VIBE;
SET THE SCENE
What the fuck can I say about the below images? Saturday Mornings as we always knew them are not dead. They don’t have to be dead. You don’t need to be able to afford a lot to be able to afford luxury. Excellence can be around any corner - you just have to be ready to respond. For example, I noticed Cracker Barrel did not offer the below-pictured chicken dinner until after a certain hour of the day. And I knew, I knew from the bottom of my soul, that I wanted both the chicken dinner AND the stuffed pancakes. So what did I do? I forced myself to wait to order until the appropriate hour when both were available. It took strength, and it took discipline, which I honed in the meantime by achieving S-Class on multiple missions in the re-release of Advanced Wars for the Nintendo Switch. Yes, life is often hard in the modern world we have created, but it’s simply the price we pay for greatness...
THIRD COLLECTION: FAST TRAVEL BLUES
Well, there it is. Another random hotel room in a random town, nothing terrible, nothing great. We’re talking Hampton Inn-esque. One 12-hour day out in the brush down, three more to go. Maybe we’ll end a little early on the fourth day. Get a head start on the drive home. Isn’t that nice? And then there’s another 12-ish hours of work to try to sprinkle into these days... and the associated correspondence that comes with it and that plagues my mind ceaselessly... MUST RESPOND TO THEE EMAILS IN A TIMELY FASHION!!! So the laptop is out on the desk. But for now, I must try to put those small miseries aside and take what pleasure I can in my current reality: I’ve showered, I’ve eaten, I’ve put on my sweatpants, and I’ve got Law & Order SVU on the hotel room TV. Maybe I’ll go downstairs and get an overpriced candy bar from the little pantry next to the front desk... I mean, I can probably still charge it to the company card right? Or have I hit my per diem? Ahhhh, fuck it, you only live once right? I’ll be back in a minute, with a Snickers in hand, biiiiiiittcchhh... then I’ll send those emails.
There should really be more here, in this section. It’s taken up so much of my life over the past years, and yet it’s particularly hard to capture - often just an obscure screenshot, or a snapshot when that word still had meaning - and on top of that, those files available have already been used throughout this post, in the intro to all this, and the lifestyle, and the low lights, and the other things to come below. True, all of the sections overlap, but it seems this one may be particularly hard to separate from the others. So perhaps a prior written piece will serve the purpose better here?
12-11-23
Classic form here - another month and change gone by, some five weeks. It has been quite busy, split between moving around for work during the weeks and personal life happenings on the weekends, primarily so at least, and so I suppose with that there is value in capturing this gap - after all, that was one of the reasons I started this brief document… to try to capture the final days of this life chapter. Seven years and change grinding in the corporate world, at a particularly corporate job. Of course, the real hope was to write at least something more constantly, but this last run resulting in this large gap in entries is quite representative in and of itself.
Today, Monday, as I left a job site early I had the wonderful realization that I could use the reclaimed time to go the grocery store because for the first time in a long time it would be worth it - I will be home for some nine to ten days! This is the longest stretch since my last writing.
And that’s the state of being that I want to express here - the absolute devastation of any kind of beneficial routine, and my lack of - I don’t want to say awareness - being able to consciously step outside of it and appraise it while it’s happening. I feel a general sense of clusterfuck as it happens, but I must respond to what’s in front of me, and so there is no real time, or desire for that matter, to step back and contemplate it. So I plow ahead and I deal with the fallout when it comes later. Like right now - a general feeling of intense tiredness mixed with a vague dread. I am not in tune with myself. I have not been checking in with myself. I have been somewhere very far away…
The narrative fades away in these times because all one can do is go. In brief? A fine birthday weekend after the last writing, in town; unidentified work week; a weekend in Chesapeake; a work week featuring a couple days in NOVA, a dinner at my sister’s, and a rapidly scheduled drug test with associated preemptive detox and online and in-person first aid and CPR course; a doctor’s appointment in Williamsburg and then straight down to Chesapeake and then the Outer Banks; home late Sunday night, pack, and up for a 6am flight to Key West; a fine time in Key West but two partial days of real work there; home late Saturday night to be a blob Sunday; up early for a week of out-of-town field work with ongoing other work and 13-15 hour days; home Thursday night and then Friendsgiving Friday followed by… a relaxing weekend; three days of day trips to the field during the work week; a weekend split between Richmond and Chesapeake; a morning drive for a site visit and then to the grocery store in Richmond.
Good things and bad things swirl together with no buffer between. There is no semblance of order, and there is not enough of the good or even some form of depraved but glorious running to make up for that. It is just… tiring, and maybe more importantly, it is just… an eddying current. No whirlpool behemoth to try to escape and tell a glorious tale of later. And no strong directional thing to propel you forward into new waters. Just… a slow circle, turning lazily around itself, with you in the midst of it, bobbing stupidly to and fro. After five weeks of that pattern it relents briefly and you come to a momentary standstill, allowing you to pop your head up and wonder - how the fuck am I still here? So much time has passed, and yet nothing has changed.
OI! TRAVEL SUPPLIES!
Fast run after an unidentified week of work, up to DC to see a concert, Heilung, after only seeing a couple videos of them on the internet, a truly unique experience, actually less of a concert and more of an immersive theatrical and audio performance, really a ritual if you will...
HELL OF A SHOW THO HA HA HE !!!
right, so it is good to see a viking band perform mysteries of the past, and fantasies of a time and place that none of us can know beyond a book, or assassins creed valhalla perhaps... It is quite good to remember all times of human history that came before us, many forgotten entirely. That being said, it also good to take half a gummy and play Nintendo Switch. That being said, it is also good to have a small upper and the extra alcoholic seltzer and engage in THE CONVERSATION AT HAND, however artificially at first. What it is - that being said - it is good sometimes to try to be present and not aloof, by any means necessary.
vehicle aforementioned and pictured? yes, but it will be quite hard to replace it in the near future. i drive a quite practical car, a 2003 camry previously piloted by my grandmother, but she lost her mind and thus her ability to drive, and since then her life. I respect her immensely however, and so I respect the vehicle - but that wasn’t the point, was it? I have been working for a corporation, and so I get the corporate rate at the rental car place, and so I get the corporate account treatment... half-true. I also get the treatment earned by never treating your peers like cunts, and by that I mean treating all people as people as people as people... so on the way north I accidentally hit about 96 trying to casually scoot around a slow-moving truck, and on the way back I hit about 106 in the southbound lane of I95, consciously hanging back so I could develop a gap between me and the vehicles in front and in back - never quite a gap large enough to see the light, hence the peaking around 106. But fun nonetheless.
Gourmet, alone.
FOURTH COLLECTION: NATURE
A TUNNEL OF DARKNESS - a tunnel of intrigue, and opportunity. It’s nice to operate alone in the deep forest, through brush and thorns and various degress of impenetrability, through misdirection and false degrees of surety, through shadows and odd half-formed notions, natural valleys in the land - and on high, through air crisp and trees tall and understory open and pure, allowing in the breeze regardless of season, a place in the middle of it all and yet separated - surrounded but not corrupted, high and away and yet here and now - alone, in a vast sea of destruction and heavy misgivings; alone, in a vast and open landscape of possibilty and of wonder... of the possibility of wonder. We are talking about the woods, yes?
SWAMPS and their associates, the not-quite-streams, the gradually flowing ponds, the peripheral perpetual bogs... places so water-laden that they’re impossible or at least very difficult to traverse, and so best viewed from the edge, much like the abyss. But of course, like the abyss, you’ll occassionally found that you’ve fallen in and so are questioning how to traverse your way out. Well, the unfortunate truth is that there’s no one answer - no particular answer, really. You just have to find your way through the mud, tripping, slipping, staggering and feeling like maybe it’d be worth it to just give up and lay on down... BUT ALAS! WE MUST TRUDGE ON AND FIND THE OTHER SIDE, CLIMB THE HILL, REACH THE LIGHT AGAIN! And then we can stop and take in the view for a while.
Ah yes, and the circle of life and all that. Nice to have a front row seat from time to time in this modern world...
It’s good to see the forest through the trees, and it’s good to see the trees too, truly. The highlands, the lowlands, the crisp air on a winter morning and the stifling humid death on a summer’s afternoon... yes, things that can be not lovely in the moment, but good to experience in full.
So I am glad for it all. But none of those places are where I truly feel at home. I feel at home in what I know, and that is the sea. Oh, she’ll kill me, and she’ll kill you too - no, the feeling is not mutual. But it could never be. Because she does not feel like that. She is something great and vast and ancient, and we are small and temporal and in awe.
So I am glad for it all. But none of those places are where I truly feel at home. I feel at home in what I know, and that is the sea. Oh, she’ll kill me, and she’ll kill you too - no, the feeling is not mutual. But it could never be. Because she does not feel like that. She is something great and vast and ancient, and we are small and temporal and in awe.
Last photo speaks to the above, but also to WHAT’S NEXT!
FIFTH COLLECTION: A BRIEF STINT IN THE TROPICS
Ah yes, back to the coral rock island, last stop, last call... southernmost outpost, salacious saloon, turquoise and bright green paradise... ramshackle, raving, run down, run it up... reallllllyyy push it... yeah, ok. Key West again. In my life, the place has become synomomous with escape - run, run, run hard until you can feel the cumulative consequences creeping about in the too-near shadows, and then suddenly, without warning, without tipping your hat to that determined enemy - drop the shit like it’s hot and hop on a plane, get the fuck out of town. Land on the airstrip, cross the tarmac, grab an overpriced pirate’s punch from the same older woman at the same little bar in the same one-room, two-belt baggage claim... head out front to the palm trees and the sea just across the A1A with a light buzz in the warm air. You’ve done it again big shot!!!! Problems of life?? NOT FOR ME, THANKS!!! I DUCK AND I DIVE BITCH!!!! TROPICANA DOOOOOOOM
So you spend a lot of the days on the beach, weather permitting, and then a late afternoon and evening in town, drinks and dinner. Some variation on that theme. Or just a Day 1 straight into town with rum runners and hot honey lobster biscuits and cigars and a heavy buzz while the sun’s still up. Evening dip in the pool. Or maybe make it to the Sunset Pier for some overpriced appetizers with an incredible view, sailboats and seabirds gliding by in the orange glow. Listen to the people grow rowdier until crescendo at sunset, then watch the crowd dissipate like smoke in a gust of wind. Or maybe just drunken merriment at Schooner’s with some kind of fried fish and coconut shrimp bullshit delight then amble along the docks debating if you want one more...
BELOW: My mom and I having brunch at Banana Cafe after my dad stormed away from the restaurant into the vast unknown without his cell phone. A classic of our times. Several blackberry mimosas to start. From there, it’s always the same thing for me. The place is French, and run and staffed by the French, who do not give a shit about you, but that is fine when the food is this good. So it’s the inside out eggs Benedict crepe and then a key lime crepe to share. Eaten at the same time of course. This is one of the few dishes that I actively look forward to - I think about it in the run up to the trip. It is preferable to sit outside on the upstairs balcony, but alas, we take what we can get in this life.
SCENERY
SCENERY
SCENES
SCENERY
WHOOPS!!
Serendipity cuts both ways and thus it’s essential to have a sense of humor in this life...
ENJOY THE
SIMPLE PLEASURES
Yes, this is the same sunset scene as before, but I thought it looked good through the purple lens and natural. I mean it’s a fukn sunset over water. Does that ever really get old?
RIGHT CHEERS AGAIN THEN︎︎︎︎︎
AND ANOTHER BRIDGE TO THE NEXT SECTION: Below we have one of a million varities and variants of the Cuban sandwich, paired with a strawberry smoothie that is absolutely made from some kind of strange artificial powder, both procured from a corner store, an actual hole in the wall, within easy walking distance of the condominium. A thing of beauty. While the chorizo and egg sandwich absolutely hits, it’s hard to resist the Cuban mix time and time again. SNACKS BABY SNAAACCKKKZZZZ, one of the great joys of life...
SIXTH COLLECTION: LATE NIGHT SNACKS
Ok, enough scrolling. This one will just be a photo grid. You can click through to see the riveting UP CLOSE & PERSONAL details of the various foods.
We have:
1) HOT HONEY LOBSTER BISCUIT, sitting by the sea in Key West, Seaside Cafe at the Mansion. Very powerful item. There’s a lot of lobster on a sweet sturdy biscuit with hot honey and jalapenos and maybe something else I’m forgetting.
2) CHICKEN & CINNAMON SWIRL FRENCH TOAST at the Egg Bistro in Chesapeake ft. mimosa flight in background; they also have breakfast shooters that u need
3) THE AFOREMENTIONED & PICTURED CREPE OF LORE, but a close up is needed due to its prestigious nature. Inside out eggs Benedict crepe at the Banana Cafe in Key West.
4) AFORMENTIONED self-styled Korean BBQ bowl at Hot Pot 757 in Chesapeake. Pineapple off the grill, got to.
5) AFORMENTIONED glorious Cracker Barrel feast at home, alternative photo because this is a truly glorious moment, the absolute peak of delivery debauchery. COMFORT FOOD
6) FAST TRAVEL BLUES nicer moment on the road, after a day in the field, some kind of salmon “bowl” from BJ’s Brewhouse along with a mini PIZOOKIE, very important item, essentially a hot chocolate chip cookie w vanilla ice cream on top, White Claw in background, something on the hotel TV not pictured. 7) BIG ASS PIZZA from Benny’s; I live right by Benny’s; they sell BIG ASS PIZZA by the slice. Some kind of specialty slice plus cheese plus two mini COOKIE MONSTER Nightingale ice cream sandwiches plus countless quantities of ranch, all because fuck it we ball.
5) AFORMENTIONED glorious Cracker Barrel feast at home, alternative photo because this is a truly glorious moment, the absolute peak of delivery debauchery. COMFORT FOOD
6) FAST TRAVEL BLUES nicer moment on the road, after a day in the field, some kind of salmon “bowl” from BJ’s Brewhouse along with a mini PIZOOKIE, very important item, essentially a hot chocolate chip cookie w vanilla ice cream on top, White Claw in background, something on the hotel TV not pictured. 7) BIG ASS PIZZA from Benny’s; I live right by Benny’s; they sell BIG ASS PIZZA by the slice. Some kind of specialty slice plus cheese plus two mini COOKIE MONSTER Nightingale ice cream sandwiches plus countless quantities of ranch, all because fuck it we ball.
8) CHINESE! This is from Peter Chang, delivered, expensive as hell but what do I work for???? A mortgage? A new car? NAY!!! I don’t get Chinese frequently enough but here it is in all its glory. PORK BUNS
9) CHINESE AGAIN - WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT NOT FREQUENTLY ENOUGH?? I was on a kick, ok. Look closely and you’ll see this is in fact a different order. Note the important giant COLD water bottle left over from the field, the LOW LIGHTS (jungle cave), and a quality television program on the screen. This is my reprieve from the corporate slog and the time on the road and traversing the brush.
10) HOME MADE SHIT - some kind of quesadilla creations with rice and beans. Standby for when I cook. Easy but good, or good enough at least. You must use vast quantities of cheese or it will not be good; I’m sorry.
11) PRETTIER VERSION OF THE SAME THING - ft. greens so it’s healthy; note the chaos of life in the background.
12) SPECIAL FEATURE 1: FISH N CHIPS, somewhere in Scotland, rainy day arrival in Edinburgh, Portobello Beach walk, SEASIDE. This trip was not covered in this post as it occurred in July & August and wasn’t really of the same theme. BUT THE SNACKS STAND AND WILL BE ALLOWED HERE
13) SPECIAL FEATURE 2: SUNDAY ROAST, also in Scotland, perhaps the first eve in Glasgow. WHAT A DELIGHT. MAKES ME FEEL WARM N COZY
14) And to cap it all off, the simplest of pleasures: PB&J at home. Excellent. My preferred PB&J has a fairly small amount of jelly (despite the ooze in this picture, idk) and CRUNCHY peanut butter. READ EM N WEEP. But truly, to each their own, eh?
9) CHINESE AGAIN - WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT NOT FREQUENTLY ENOUGH?? I was on a kick, ok. Look closely and you’ll see this is in fact a different order. Note the important giant COLD water bottle left over from the field, the LOW LIGHTS (jungle cave), and a quality television program on the screen. This is my reprieve from the corporate slog and the time on the road and traversing the brush.
10) HOME MADE SHIT - some kind of quesadilla creations with rice and beans. Standby for when I cook. Easy but good, or good enough at least. You must use vast quantities of cheese or it will not be good; I’m sorry.
11) PRETTIER VERSION OF THE SAME THING - ft. greens so it’s healthy; note the chaos of life in the background.
12) SPECIAL FEATURE 1: FISH N CHIPS, somewhere in Scotland, rainy day arrival in Edinburgh, Portobello Beach walk, SEASIDE. This trip was not covered in this post as it occurred in July & August and wasn’t really of the same theme. BUT THE SNACKS STAND AND WILL BE ALLOWED HERE
13) SPECIAL FEATURE 2: SUNDAY ROAST, also in Scotland, perhaps the first eve in Glasgow. WHAT A DELIGHT. MAKES ME FEEL WARM N COZY
14) And to cap it all off, the simplest of pleasures: PB&J at home. Excellent. My preferred PB&J has a fairly small amount of jelly (despite the ooze in this picture, idk) and CRUNCHY peanut butter. READ EM N WEEP. But truly, to each their own, eh?
___________________________________________
Alright, I think that’s it. Or at least all I’m going to do. There’s always more, really. But sometimes it’s enough. And I think that this is, in fact, enough. Yes? Yes, I think so.
THE END TIMES
CHAPTER END